yawning at work, asking for a fancier computer, and more (2024)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Yawning at work

The letter you recently published on the klutzy, unpolished boss might have given me a bit of a complex!

I am a naturally very tired person. A lot of this has to do with my mental health (which I am working through with the appropriate professionals and medications). But I yawn a LOT at work, and especially in meetings. I try to be discreet by covering my mouth and not yawning in peoples’ faces, but my yawns are big, stretch-my-spine-and-fill-my-lungs affairs.

Can other people control their yawns? A search of the website seems to show that most people think yawning is rude, and a sign of … what? People trying to get attention? People not getting enough sleep?

My yawns are like muscle spasms. I can’t stop them, and my body is clearly telling me I need them. I don’t want to come off as “uninterested” or “unpolished.” Am I supposed to be doing more to control this? Help!

Yes, most people can indeed control their yawns — often by breathing deeply, yawning with their mouths mostly closed, or just stifling it. Some medical conditions and medications can make that harder though (or perhaps impossible).

But yeah, yawning in meetings does generally come across as bored or even rude, especially if you’re clearly not trying to stifle it. If you genuinely can’t control it, it might be worth mentioning to your manager that it’s related to a health condition and not a sign of boredom. But ideally you’d see if you can downgrade them from “big, stretch-my-spine-and-fill-my-lungs affairs” to something less visible.

2. How do I deal with coworkers complaining about their moms after mine died?

I have been at my current job for about five years and I’m fairly senior here. I work in a laboratory setting so I work independently but physically close with a lot of people. Many of the people in my area (at least four) are entry-level people who have just finished college and live at home with their parents. The topic of conversations many days revolves around them complaining about their families and living situations, along the lines of “ugh my mom is so annoying/I hate living with my parents/I can’t wait to move out/my mom does stupid things/etc.”

I’m not faulting them for this, as their parents and the challenges of living with them are a big part of their lives and I probably said similar things when I was in a similar situation. My mom died (suddenly and unexpectedly) one year ago today, actually, and the rest of my family is fractured, so I’m pretty much on my own. My problem is, it’s getting hard to endure listening to just normal conversations when people complain about their families when I want to yell, “I WISH MY MOM WOULD ANNOY ME! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE 50 MISSED CALLS!!”

Do you have any advice on how to handle this? I know it’s not their fault my mom died, and I don’t know their situations, so maybe their moms really are awful, I don’t know. I don’t want to sound like Yoda by saying “you’ll miss her annoying you when she’s not here” and just generally being a downer, so I haven’t said anything, but it’s grating on me.

Headphones are not an option as they are not allowed in our lab for safety reasons.

I’m sorry! I know this feeling and it sucks.

I think you’re allowed one “you know, my mom died unexpectedly last year and I’d give anything to have her back annoying me.” If they have any sensitivity at all, they’ll cut back on the mom complaints.

But they probably won’t stop altogether because that’s the stage of life they’re at. There’s a good chance their perspective will shift in time, but right now this is where they are. Where you are is with a very fresh and painful loss, and those two don’t mix well.

That said, this one hits too close to home for me to advise on it confidently. What advice do others have?

Updated to add: There are far better (clearer, more direct) suggestions than mine in the comments, including these:

• “Hey, this is a sensitive topic for me, can you take it somewhere else so I can focus on work?”
• “My mom died very suddenly last year, and it’s made all these discussions of families hard for me to hear. I know you guys need to blow off steam sometimes, but could you please do it when I’m not around?”
• “Hey guys, I lost my mother last year, could you take it easy on the parent complaints when I’m here? It’s hard for me to hear. Thanks.”

3. My student employees aren’t direct when asking for time off

We have student employees who ask for permission to miss a shift or not come in, but they are not really asking for permission; instead, I’m guessing that that’s what they want. It’s totally fine and in fact expected for them to call in occasionally, due to school/sickness/life/youth, but they’ll phrase it as “Do you want me to come in tomorrow?” or “Is it okay if I don’t come in tomorrow?” which causes some consternation among the full-time staff. Do you have suggestions for how to coach them to take more control of their time off? Or do we need to just get over it and let them learn this lesson as a new professional?

It’s useful to address it — it’s part of coaching student employees about how the professional world works, and it’ll help them in future jobs. If they say, “Do you want me to come in tomorrow?” you could respond with, “Are you asking if you can take the day off?” When they (presumably) say yes, you can say, “Yes, you can have tomorrow off” and then add, “This is the sort of thing you figure out as you get more professional experience, but the best way to ask for a day off is to directly request it — like, ‘Could I take tomorrow off?’ If you just ask if I want you to come in, what you’re getting at isn’t entirely clear.” You could add, “And frankly, my default will be to always want you to come in when you’re scheduled, but I can often approve time off anyway — so I want you to ask the right question.”

4. Can I ask for a fancier computer?

My job is evolving into a management role in which computer usage is key. Currently, I am expected to use a very bulky Excel program for most tasks, as well as specialized software, that takes my old work computer several minutes to process every time I run new calculations. Also, I am finding myself in many meetings where I am writing copious amounts of notes which then need to be brought back to my desk and cross-referenced with information on my computer, which would be alleviated by a tablet or laptop. At the very least, I need to request a new desktop computer. I would love to request a pro tablet or fancy laptop, instead, that I can carry to meetings for note-taking and use off-site as needed for evening work or at conferences. I am assuming that if I ask for a new computer, I will get a basic model one. What is the etiquette around requesting more than the basic model of equipment? How hard should I push for something that would make my life easier but isn’t essential for my job? Are there any good ways to phrase the request so I have a better chance of getting a more versatile and useful machine?

Request the equipment you need to do your job more efficiently! Say something like, “My current computer struggles to run programs X and Y and takes a long time to process new calculations. I’m hoping to get a machine with the power to run them without such a long lag. Ideally it would be a laptop so I can take notes at meetings more efficiently since I do a lot of note-taking. Would it be possible to order Specific Model 1 or Specific Model 2, both of which would save me significant time every day?” (If you can quantify the amount of time it would save you, that’s even better.)

If your manager says it’s not something the budget can cover right now, ask if it’s possible to plan for it in next year’s budget.

Read an update to this letter here.

5. My manager suggested I come in on my day off to talk about a raise

I work for a large company (more than 10,000 employees). I work in the same city, but at a different site from my supervisors.

A couple weeks ago, I decided to ask for a raise for the first time in my three years here after receiving consistently good reviews and feedback. I sent an email to Boss and Grandboss about the process of requesting a raise (would they like to meet in person, have me write a proposal and send it over, etc.) Their response was that I should go directly to HR to ask for a raise. This struck me as odd because I’ve never met my HR rep and they would have no idea of what kind of work I’ve been doing or how well I’ve been doing it.

I emailed my HR rep anyway, and predictably was told that requests for raises must come to HR from management. My HR rep told me that she also relayed this information to Boss and Grandboss. I also emailed my bosses to follow up.

After a week of hearing nothing from Boss and Grandboss, I emailed them for an update. Boss responded that we should arrange to meet on my next day off (I work some weekends, so I have random weekdays off, but she specifically “your day off”). Is it common practice to have employees come in on their day off to discuss a raise? To be clear, I have traveled to their site for meetings in the past, and management has had meetings at my site too. I have to hope that they aren’t having me come in on a day off to discuss a raise they don’t intend on giving. What do you think?

No, that’s not normal. This is a work meeting and it should be during work time. I’d respond back with, “I’m hoping we can do it on one of my scheduled workdays since I usually have conflicts on other days. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work instead?”