Finally remember that by declining you are—whether it feels this way or not—actually showing up for the other person. Because when you graciously say no, you communicate that this is a relationship in which we are allowed to ask for what we want, and this is a world in which we are allowed to ask for what we need. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for Future Them.
What to actually say
I know declining an invitation can feel stressful or guilt-inducing in the moment, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It just takes practice. The more you do it, the more you’ll realize that most people can actually handle it and that it won’t negatively affect your relationships. If you need a little help formulating a response for these situations, below are some scripts based on conversations I’ve had in my own life to get you started. As always you can and should tweak these so they feel right for the request and the relationship.
Regardless of what you say, your tone matters a lot; aim for warm, but relatively neutral and matter-of fact. And keep it short. There’s also no need to beg for forgiveness, get into all your boring personal reasons, or present an eight-part defense as though you’re ADA Alexandra Cabot in a Law & Order: SVU rerun. Treat saying no as normal (because it is normal).
If it’s date-specific, and you’d prefer to be doing Not This on the day/time in question:
“Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately I won’t be able to make it, but thank you for the invitation!”
“Oh, that sounds lovely, but I won’t be able to make it. But have a great time!”
If you’re probably never going to be up for doing an activity at the suggested day/time:
“Oh, that concert sounds really fun, but I can’t really do big outings on weeknights because of work! But have a great time!”
“Ah, that sounds lovely, but I have a rule that I don’t make plans on Sundays—it’s my day [to decompress and not talk to anyone][catch up with my parents][do all my chores and errands]. But thank you for thinking of me!”
“Oh, that sounds like a blast, but I’m pretty committed to my 10 p.m. sleep schedule on weeknights these days. But thank you for the invite!”
“Roller skating isn’t really my thing, so I’m going to sit this one out!”
“Thank you for thinking of me, but [music festivals/the beach/amusem*nt parks] aren’t really my speed!”
You could also add something like, “But I’d love to see you and catch up soon! How about [some alternative programming that you both enjoy]?”
If you’re low on bandwidth and expect to be for the foreseeable future
“Ah, I’d love to [see you/catch up/hang out], but I haven’t been able to get much time for myself lately and I promised myself I’d just hunker down and have a quiet weekend!”
