How to Say No During Wedding Season (Published 2019) (2024)

Search for “bridesmaid proposal” on Etsy and you’ll be met with 49,465 results. There are the cutesy mugs (“I can’t marry my mister without my sister”) and the cards that seem less of a request than an order (“You’re obviously going to be my maid of honor — and no, that wasn’t a question”). These 49,465 data points perfectly illustrate why so many people feel like they can’t say no to being in a bridal party, or to any of the other social contracts associated with modern weddings.

But despite what Etsy (or Instagram, or a snooty relative) tells you, a save-the-date card is not a subpoena. You are allowed to say no, even to the wedding itself. That said, the stakes can feel incredibly high during wedding planning, and a perfectly reasonable “I’m so sorry, I can’t” can feel loaded with meaning. If you want the friendship to last, it’s important to approach the situation with consideration, grace — and a plan.

What to Know Before Your No

Before you make a decision, think about why you want to say no, and accept that your friend will likely be disappointed. “I think you need to clarify for yourself the potential of doing damage to the friendship,” said Andrea Bonior, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., and the author of “The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends” (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2011). “It’s not that you can’t do it, but I think you have to have a reality check that you might pay the price later on.”

Being in someone’s bridal party is symbolic, and your friend might perceive your declining as a personal rejection, even if it’s not. That said, even if he or she is likely to be upset, it might still be the right choice for you.

Saying yes out of obligation or guilt can lead to resentment and disappointment all around. “It should feel like a choice you are making because you want to,” said Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship expert based in Montreal. “It also shouldn’t come at the expense of your own well-being.”

You should opt out if your financial security, physical and mental health, professional goals and relationships are going to seriously suffer.