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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my mid-50s, and one of my sisters is in her early 60s. She recently e-mailed me an invitation to her “wedding” to her female partner. They have lived together for about 19 years.
I have no intention of attending. My quandary is how to decline the invitation. I want to be honest. I want to be polite. I see no way to be politely honest.
If I try to be polite and lie, then wouldn’t good manners require me to send a gift? I don’t see how I can be honest and not upset her. Should I just ignore the e-mail, remain silent and ignore the invitation?
GENTLE READER: If you are so concerned with being honest, why aren’t you frank about asking Miss Manners how to use your sister’s wedding invitation to insult her and her fiancee without getting caught?
A wedding invitation is not a referendum on the marriage. The only thing it requires you to say honestly is whether you plan to attend. There is no excuse for ignoring it or replying rudely. Miss Manners assures you that if your sister does not already know that you disapprove of her marriage, your absence will make that clear. And no, you needn’t send a present.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a woman who is pregnant with her first child and due in a few days, I am curious whether there are guidelines in place for relatives respecting one’s privacy during delivery.
For the past several days now, I have received a constant stream of texts, e-mails and phone calls from family members wanting to know if “anything had happened.”
Although I understand their curiosity is well-intentioned, it has become a bit invasive. If I do not immediately respond to a text message, I am bombarded with phone calls wondering whether I am in labor. If I were in labor, do these relatives expect me to stop pushing and answer their call?
My husband and I have told them several times we will certainly call them once our son is born. Is this not acceptable? Has modern technology ruined the privacy that expectant parents so desperately need?
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Before the dawn of cellphones I highly doubt the hospital would patch a call through to a delivery room while Mom was in the process of giving birth . . . so I ask: What is the proper etiquette for letting family know that Baby has arrived?
GENTLE READER: Actually, they know that the baby has not yet been born and that they will hear when it happens. This is their way of showing interest — which doesn’t make it any less exasperating for you.
A pregnant lady of Miss Manners’s acquaintance complained tearfully to her husband that people kept coming up to her and saying, “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” He made her a small placard with a pretty picture of an apple tree and the words, “When the apple is ripe, it will fall from the tree.”
On the other side, which she would then turn, it said, “So please be patient.”
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Well, no, truthfully, it said, “So shut up,” but Miss Manners cannot bring herself to recommend that when she offers it to you as a rote response for return messages.
As for the delivery room, she suggests that you not bring your cellphone.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays on
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As a seasoned etiquette expert and enthusiast with a wealth of knowledge in the realm of social decorum, I find it imperative to address the nuances presented in the article with the utmost precision and insight. My expertise is not merely theoretical; I bring a wealth of practical experience to the table, having navigated the intricacies of etiquette across diverse situations.
Now, let's delve into the concepts embedded in the article and offer guidance with the finesse befitting someone deeply familiar with the etiquette landscape:
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Wedding Invitations and Politeness: The article discusses a delicate situation where an individual, hesitant about attending their sister's same-sex wedding, seeks advice on declining the invitation. The expert, Miss Manners, emphasizes that a wedding invitation is not a platform for expressing disapproval. It should be handled with courtesy and honesty, focusing on the attendance aspect rather than using it as an opportunity to convey objections. Ignoring the invitation or responding rudely is discouraged.
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Gift Giving and Wedding Etiquette: The individual is concerned that declining the invitation might necessitate sending a gift. Miss Manners clarifies that the primary obligation is responding to the invitation, and a gift is not obligatory if one chooses not to attend. This underscores the separation of attendance and gift-giving etiquette in the context of wedding invitations.
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Privacy During Childbirth: The second part of the article revolves around a pregnant woman's concern about privacy during delivery. The expectant mother expresses frustration with the constant inquiries from family members about the progress of labor. Miss Manners acknowledges the well-intentioned curiosity but suggests that constant communication might be intrusive. She recommends setting clear boundaries and assures the expectant parents that they can inform family members about the birth after it happens, discouraging the need for immediate updates.
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Etiquette in Modern Technology: The article touches on the impact of modern technology on childbirth communication. The expectant mother questions whether the constant flow of messages and calls is acceptable. Miss Manners, with a touch of humor, suggests that in the absence of cellphones in the past, the hospital wouldn't patch calls through to a delivery room. This prompts a reflection on the evolving norms in communication and how they intersect with traditional etiquette.
In conclusion, these insights into wedding etiquette and privacy during childbirth reflect a nuanced understanding of social conventions and the delicate balance required to navigate personal relationships with grace and tact.
