Being likable in the workplace is important. I’d argue it’s even more important for young Millennials. Psychological theory can help us make sense of this claim. According to Susan Fiske’s stereotype content model, people perceive us along two psychological dimensions: likability and competence.
How do you know, like really know, if someone likes you?
Credit: PixabayBeing high in likability means people perceive you as non-competitive, affiliative – the person they can count on and feel good being around. Being high in competence means people perceive you as having high status, as knowing how to get the job done.
No question, both are important. But likability is the stronger signal that gets perceived first (competence second). Being liked comes through stronger during first impressions and leaves its mark long after the first interaction. The truth is, being liked will take you farther than being respected. This is especially true for young people in the workplace who are “low status” and have yet to reach senior management positions. This has shown to be the first step to being a powerful and effective communicator.
But there’s an ironic effect that scientists have observed in our own self-perceptions: We mistakenly think that it’s more important for others to see us as competent as opposed to likable. It’s an error in social judgment.
Let’s say, for instance, you need to convince your client counterpart to go with your idea. The fact is, they’re more likely to buy in if they like you regardless of the actual effectiveness of the idea. A half-baked solution in combination with you being liked will fare better than a decently good solution in combination with you being disliked.
Now that we’ve settled that debate, the next question is how to know when you’re liked. Having this knowledge will impact your own behavior and decisions. But the problem is, humans aren’t really all that forthcoming in their feelings, especially in workplace contexts where relationships are meant to be professional (aka boring).
Despite these furtive social intentions, there are subtle, unconscious signals that a person will elicit if they like you. Here are three that you should be on the look-out for.
1. They mimic and mirror your movements
If a person likes you, they will spontaneously mimic your physical postures and gestures. This “affiliative mimicry” is an ancient evolved process rooted in the brain’s Mirror Neuron System. This network of brain regions is the social glue that binds people together. It’s believed to act as the very basis of all cultural living. A greater level of mimicry between people is associated with increases activation of the Mirror Neuron System, which in turn, leads to increases in liking, cooperation, and coordinated joint work.
Mimicry in the whitehouse
Credit: PixabayHere are some recommendations for you to try out.
First, become comfortable with detecting these subtle cues during social interactions. And then, once these become more familiar, you can begin testing the waters. For example, as you’re interacting with someone, change your posture or gesture with a body part. Cross your legs, light bounce your foot up and down, interlock your fingers and place them on the desk in front of you, etc. As you do one of these, monitor the other person’s movements. Are they mimicking the movement as you just did them? If they are, then you’re in the likable zone.
As a bonus, verbal mimicry functions the same. Here’s a tip. Say a word that has different forms of pronunciation. For example, the word “process” can be said with a long or short “o.” In a similar social context, say it one way and notice whether the other person copies the way that you pronounced it. This form of verbal mimicry is also a signal that they like you.
2. They show changes in eye contact
A person seeking your approval will switch the type of eye contact they engage in. There are two altering patterns that reveal whether you’re coming across as likeable to someone.
First, they will show intermittent eye contact when they are talking to you. This means that every 3-5 seconds they will unlock their gaze with you and look to something else in the room or down at their hands, etc. They will do this for another 3-5 seconds and then return to locking eyes with you.
And second, they will show more prolonged eye contact when you are talking to them. Instead of unlocking their gaze more regularly, they should fix their gaze to your face/eyes for longer periods of time. This is because it’s a sign that they are fully engaged and listening to what you’re saying.
Test it out by noting the differences in timing of eye contact for when you’re talking versus them talking. Do these dissociable patterns come through?
3. They lean in to get closer you
A natural outcome of someone liking you is they will physically move themselves closer to you. Psychologists have consistently shown that the distance between two people acts as a proxy for how much a person likes someone else. These changes in physical distance are subtle.
American anthropologist, Edward T. Hall, developed the concept of “Proxemics” to understand physical space between people. He divides the distance into 4 main zones. Different zones serve different psychological functions.
These zones are: i) public space (12-25 feet), social space (4-11 feet), personal space (1.5 – 4 feet), and intimate space (less than 1.5 feet). If a person enters into the personal space, especially in that area closer to 1.5 feet, that’s a strong signal to say they like you.
What's the distance between you and them?
Credit: PixabayAgain, you can test this out in your social interactions. First of all, get rid of physical barriers. Meet in space where there are no desks, tables, or chairs in the way. Just wide open spaces. Meet up with them on a number of different occasions, in different spaces/locations, and get a read of how close they naturally stand to you.
Here’s a bonus tip that works as well. You try moving in closer (and I’m talking inches here – don’t go and put your arms around them) and then assess their response. Do they stand where they are? Do they move back away from you?
A final thought
Knowing what signals to look out for in another person is important for directing our own social behaviors. These 3 unconscious behaviors are clear signals that someone likes you.
And to return to my original point, as you find yourself navigating the dynamics of workplace politics, remember that all else being equal, likability/warmth trumps competence/status. This is especially true for Millennials who are still quite junior in a company. So a word of advice to all you young guns striving for the top spot, 9 times out of 10, likability trumps competence.
Or, said more succinctly: Do your job well and don’t be a jerk.
Nick is a behavioral and brain scientist who works with entrepreneurs to help them reach their peak psychological functioning.
