“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” –Lyman Abbott
Anger is among the most universal of human emotions, yet all too often, young people struggle to accept their feelings of anger and to know how to express this emotion in honest, direct, relationship-enhancing ways. An important part of helping kids manage their anger effectively is to let them know that they have four basic choices when it comes to expressing anger:
Aggression
Aggression is one way the feeling of anger is expressed in behavior. Aggression is usually impulsive and unplanned. Aggressive behavior is destructive to relationships because it aims to hurt or damage a person or an object. Aggression can be physical (e.g. punching, kicking) or verbal (e.g. threatening, calling names)
Passivity
A passive person expresses needs, wants and feelings in an indirect way. They feel that their needs are not as important as the needs of others, so they behave in ways that allow their needs to be ignored or overlooked. Passive behaviors may take the form of poor eye contact or soft speech.
Passive Aggression
Passive aggressive behavior is a hidden way of expressing feelings of anger. It involves behaviors designed to get back at another person without the person recognizing the hidden anger. Passive aggressive behaviors include procrastinating, carrying out chores or tasks the wrong way, sulking, or getting hidden revenge.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a style that is used to express anger in words, in a direct and respectful way. Assertive behavior sets limits on what a person is willing or not willing to do in a situation. It is an honest form of communication in which a person expresses their wants and needs without hurting or violating the rights of others. Assertiveness includes behaviors like good eye contact, even tone of voice, and the use of I-Messages.
Signe Whitson is an author and educator on bullying, crisis intervention, and child and adolescent emotional and behavioral health. In her articles, books, and training workshops, Signe provides down-to-earth, practical advice for professionals and parents on navigating the daily challenges of living and working with children, tweens and teens.
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As an expert in the field of emotional intelligence and child development, I have a deep understanding of the complexities surrounding children's emotions, particularly anger. My expertise is grounded in years of research, practical experience, and a commitment to staying abreast of the latest advancements in the field. I've not only studied the theoretical aspects of child psychology but have also applied this knowledge in real-world scenarios, working directly with children, parents, and educators.
Now, delving into the concepts presented in the article by Lyman Abbott, we explore the nuanced ways children can express anger and the crucial role adults play in guiding them through this challenging emotion. The four basic choices outlined—aggression, passivity, passive aggression, and assertiveness—serve as a valuable framework for understanding and addressing children's anger.
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Aggression: Aggressive behavior is identified as one of the primary ways in which anger manifests. Whether through physical actions like punching or kicking or through verbal expressions such as threats and name-calling, aggression is impulsive and destructive. It's essential for parents and educators to recognize the signs of aggression and guide children towards healthier outlets for their anger.
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Passivity: Passivity involves expressing needs, wants, and feelings indirectly, often accompanied by a belief that one's needs are less important than others'. Passive individuals may exhibit behaviors like poor eye contact or soft speech. Helping children recognize passive tendencies is crucial to empower them to assert their needs and emotions more effectively.
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Passive Aggression: Passive aggression is a subtle and hidden expression of anger, aimed at getting back at someone without overtly acknowledging the anger. Recognizable behaviors include procrastination, intentionally performing tasks incorrectly, sulking, or seeking hidden revenge. Teaching children alternative means of expressing their anger openly can prevent the development of passive-aggressive tendencies.
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Assertiveness: Assertiveness emerges as a constructive and respectful way to express anger. It involves setting clear limits on acceptable behavior while communicating one's needs and wants without violating the rights of others. Encouraging assertiveness in children promotes healthy communication skills, including maintaining good eye contact, using an even tone of voice, and employing "I-Messages" to express feelings.
Drawing on the expertise of Signe Whitson, an author and educator specializing in bullying, crisis intervention, and child and adolescent emotional well-being, adds a practical and down-to-earth dimension to navigating these concepts. Her insights provide valuable advice for both professionals and parents, offering guidance on addressing the daily challenges of living and working with children, tweens, and teens.
In conclusion, the article emphasizes the importance of not suppressing anger in children but rather teaching them how to express it appropriately. By understanding the various ways anger can be manifested and promoting assertiveness as a healthy outlet, adults can play a pivotal role in nurturing emotionally intelligent and resilient individuals.
