“It was literally beaten into me that I should always use sir and ma’am with adults,” Dani said. “But I’m nonbinary. And I really don’t want to misgender people. Lord knows, I get how upsetting that is. So, what do I do?”
Dani is in a bind, and chances are good that you are too.
In English, gender makes it complicated to address people respectfully. The English language has developed so that gender almost always plays a role when you decide which words of respect to use. One way this shows up is with honorifics. Honorific is the term for a word or word part that signals respect and politeness.
Think about the standard honorifics that until recently were the only English options to use before someone’s name to show respect.
Mr., Miss, Mrs.
If someone appeared to be male, you chose Mr. Here, gender was the only factor.
But it was more complicated if someone appeared to be female. Until recently, to be polite you needed to know not only their gender but also their marital status. Female and not married? Miss. Female and married? Mrs.
In the 1950s, people got frustrated that marital status came into play only when addressing women. And they came up with a new honorific that was equivalent to Mr.—Ms. The honorific Ms. removes marital status from the politeness equation.
But now that we are finally taking into account the realities of gender, Mr. and Ms. aren’t enough. Because some people are nonbinary and don’t feel comfortable with a male honorific or a female honorific. And some other people fit in the gender binary but feel that gender, like marital status, should be irrelevant to politeness.
So now there is also Mx., which is pronounced like the word “mix” by some people and like the word “mucks” by others. Mx. is a way to remove both marital status and gender identity from politeness.
In the US, there has been a move over the last few decades away from honorifics and toward first names only. So you might be someone who almost never says Mr. or Ms.
Being aware of people’s preferences—for more or less formality, and which honorific to use when being formal—is an important way of showing respect. For example, if someone doesn’t want to be called Mr. Lastname but instead Firstname only, then the respectful thing to do is call him by his first name only.
It’s also good to be on the alert for the common “respect gap” when it comes to gender and honorifics. People seen as female are often presented or referred to using their first name only, while people seen as male are presented with their title and last name. “Please meet Kate, one of our most popular professors. And this is Dr. Smith, who just got that big grant I was telling you about.”
The same is true for disabled people, who are also frequently presented without their titles. To close the respect gap, use Title Lastname for all genders and for both abled and disabled people.
When it comes to honorifics such as sir and ma’am, the English language doesn’t currently have a widely used option that’s gender neutral. I wish I had an easy solution that I could present with a flourish right here. But I don’t.
But even so, we always want to avoid misgendering people.
So what do you do if you’re on the street and want to politely get someone’s attention to ask for directions? You could try skipping address terms like sir and ma’am altogether and showing your politeness with your tone and other words. Or you might say something like “Excuse me, friend.” Or “Excuse me, kind person.” Or something else you feel comfortable with. If you’re in retail or hospitality, you might say “Can I help the next guest?” Or, “I believe the person in the green shirt was next.”
Because when we are trying to be polite with someone and show them respect, we want to make sure that we are also respecting their gender identity, no matter what it might be
