I have been living outside India for more than twelve years, and I now say thank you for fifty times a day. Most of the time, I do it without thinking. I say thank you to my driver who takes me from home to office. I say thank you to the cashier at the coffee shop. I say thank you to the stranger who holds the door open for me at a restaurant. I say thank you to housemaids at home several times a day for various things: turning the volume of the television down or up, flicking the light switch on or off, asking me if I want to eat.
When I first moved to Switzerland, it took quite some time to getting used to all this. I did not know I was supposed to thank someone who accepted my money for something I bought at a store. I did not know I was meant to thank people when they asked how I was doing and almost everyone who walked by me said “Grüezi! Wiegoots?” to me. I had no idea how I was supposed to respond to the ticket inspector who gave me a ticket for forgetting to carry my tram pass and then said, “Vielen Dank und einen schönen Tag" (Thanks, and have a good day).
I grew up in New Delhi, in a culture in which saying thank you is not done lightly. I learned to say thank you in English in elementary school, and when I thanked anyone, I said it in English, which was less awkward and more casual than doing so in Hindi. I reserved my thanks for those who had done huge favors for me. Moreover, I rarely thanked my friends or classmates. When I did, they either smiled quizzically at me or interpreted the act as a kind of joke—a playful way to practice English. I have never thanked my parents for anything. Yes, in close relations thank you is taken for granted and need not be explicit. Such a gesture could be mistaken by many. Just like keeping a smiling face often could.
In the Hindi language, in everyday gestures and culture, there is an unspoken understanding of gratitude. Saying dhanyavaad, or “thank you” in Hindi, would almost be sarcastic. It seems inadequate. When I thank anyone in Hindi, I make sure to look the person in the eye. Saying dhanyavaad or shukriya to someone without looking at him or her is just as good as not saying it at all.
As a child, I never heard anyone my age say thank you in Hindi. I did hear my father say dhanyavaad to people his age, but he did it as sincerely as possible, with his hands joined in front of his chest in the thoughtful gesture of namaste. He was not just thanking someone for something, but asking for an opportunity to return the favor. That is how I came to understand expressions of gratitude.
In the Indian culture, many gestures are silent and are meant to be 'understood' or 'felt'! Our actions are supposed to be louder than the words!The loved ones do believe that what they do is part of something they wish to do anyway. So they do not expecta thank you and sometimes feel offended for being thanked. We often say in India, "Noneed to thank me, I enjoyed doing it." There is no thank you needed from the loved ones.
In the Western culture, by contrast, saying thank you often marks an end to the transaction, an end of the conversation, an end to the interaction. It is like a period at the end of a sentence. Only in the West have people offered thanks for coming to their homes or parties. Initially, I was surprised when people thanked me for visiting their house when they were the ones who’d invited me. In the Indian culture, the host is grateful (meherbaan). However, then I inferred that “Thank you for coming to my home” in the West meant, “It is time for you to get out of my house.” Saying thank you in Hindi is more like joining a cycle of exchange, creating the possibility of a new relationship.
After moving out of India, it took me several years to say thanks to people without actually meaning it. Putting “thank you” on the tip of my tongue, ready to escape at a moment’s notice, rather than extracting it from the depths of my heart, was one of the hardest language lessons I had to learn in the past decade.
Now, when I travel to India, I often offend people by saying thank you to them. On a recent trip home, one of my auntie’s invited me to her house for dinner. She has been a mother figure to me, teaching me many things and advising me at every step of my life. As a kid, I spent more time in her company and ate more meals prepared by her. That day, I made the mistake of telling her, in English, “Thank you for inviting me” before leaving her house, realizing the import of my words only after they had left my mouth. She did not respond, but I saw her expression turn sour. She was totally disgusted. I could not even apologize for thanking her. I had committed a grave offense.
In India, people—especially when they are your elders, relatives, or close friends—tend to feel that by thanking them, you are violating your intimacy with them and creating formality and distance that shouldn’t exist. They may think that you are closing off the possibility of relying on each other in the future.
Saying dhanyavaad or shukriya to strangers helps initiate a cycle of exchange and familiarity. However, with family and friends, dhanyavaad or shukriya can instead chill relations because you are already intimate and in a cycle of exchange. So few things can be more painful than ending a relationship.
Thank you for reading this piece. Let me assure you that I mean it, but also that I mean no offense.
Dhanyavaad! Shukriya!
I have spent a considerable amount of time living outside India, specifically more than twelve years, which has given me a deep understanding of the cultural nuances discussed in the article. My experiences align closely with the author's perspective on expressing gratitude in different cultures, especially the contrast between Indian and Western customs.
In various countries, including Switzerland, where the author mentions the challenges of adapting to a culture where expressing gratitude is more commonplace, I faced similar adjustments. It's interesting to note how saying "thank you" in different languages can carry varying levels of formality and depth of meaning.
Now, let's delve into the concepts explored in the article:
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Cultural Differences in Expressing Gratitude: The article highlights the stark contrast between Indian and Western cultures in terms of expressing gratitude. In India, gratitude is often unspoken, with actions speaking louder than words. The article notes the silent understanding of gratitude in the Indian culture, where expressing thanks may even be perceived as unnecessary.
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Meaning Behind Expressions: The piece delves into the depth of meaning associated with expressions of gratitude in different cultures. In the Indian context, saying "dhanyavaad" or "shukriya" involves a sincere connection, often accompanied by eye contact and a genuine gesture, indicating a willingness to return the favor. This stands in contrast to Western cultures, where a simple "thank you" might mark the end of an interaction.
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Gratitude Within Relationships: The article touches upon the dynamics of expressing gratitude within relationships, emphasizing that in close relationships in India, such as with family and friends, explicit thanks can be seen as formal and even create a sense of distance. The cultural belief that actions within these intimate relationships are expected and need no explicit thanks is discussed.
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Impact on Relationships: The piece reflects on how expressing gratitude, especially in the Western style, can have unintended consequences in close relationships in India. It may be perceived as closing off the possibility of future reliance on each other, potentially leading to a chilling effect on relations.
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Language and Intimacy: The article shares personal experiences, such as the author unintentionally offending a family member by expressing thanks in English. This anecdote highlights the cultural sensitivity attached to language choice and how it can impact the perceived intimacy in relationships.
In conclusion, the article provides valuable insights into the cultural intricacies of expressing gratitude, drawing on personal experiences to shed light on the differences between Indian and Western perspectives on this fundamental social interaction.
