How to Get Your Significant Other to Treat You Right: 15 Steps (2024)

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Co-authored byTasha Rube, LMSW

Last Updated: March 29, 2019References

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   Prioritize respect.^[1] There’s a saying that “love is all you need”, but along with that, everyone needs respect. If there’s no respect, is there love? Often, respect is a two-way street; if it’s not given, it’s not received. Be sure to treat your partner with respect just as much as you want him or her to respect you.

   • Most importantly, have respect for yourself. Treat yourself with respect and dignity. Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re lonely, and don’t let your partner walk all over you. For more information on how to respect yourself, check out How to Respect Yourself.
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   Evaluate your partner. It’s easy to get caught up in feelings, but it’s also important to think about your partner in terms of what kind of person he or she is. What are your partner’s values and personality traits?^[2] Think about how these things affect you and your relationship.

   • If your partner treats friends and family in a way you dislike, it’s likely that you and your partner have different values in how to treat others. It may be difficult to come to an agreement on how to treat each other in a way that feels good to both of you.

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   Reflect on your values. Think about what you value in a partner, or what you consider your “non-negotiables”. If you value having a very mutual relationship yet the current one seems off balance, ask yourself if that’s something you can compromise on or not.

   • Think of all the values you have in a partner and in a relationship, then compare them with your reality right now. What are you willing to compromise with, and what are not unwilling to put up with?
   • It’s unlikely you will meet someone who meets all of your “criterias”, so be willing to compromise in certain areas.^[3] Remember it’s up to you where you choose to compromise.
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   Remember that sex doesn’t equate to love. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to mistake attraction and physical intimacy for love.^[4] It’s important to make the distinction between sex and love.

   • Ask yourself about what the relationship fulfills for you, and what it fulfills for your partner.
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   Assess compatibility. Make sure that you and your significant other are on the same page; if one of you thinks the relationship is casual and the other views it as serious, it’s likely you will treat each other differently and find unhappiness soon along the way. You may treat each other differently or expect treatment from the other based on your own expectations.^[5] Be clear on your intentions in the relationship with each other.

   • If you are unclear about nature of the relationship, or you are unclear about how your partner’s feels, talk about it.

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   Write down things you want to talk about. You might feel overwhelmed with anger or frustration. Before charging your significant other, take some time to write down your concerns. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you clarify what is important, what you want to say, and how you want to say it.

   • If you’re upset with your significant other, write down some examples of the behaviors that you are not comfortable with. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of the issues you would like to address and how you want to address them.
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   Talk openly. Be open and honest about what’s going on, yet do so gently. Your partner may feel defensive if he or she perceives a negative evaluation or judgment, so make sure you go in with an open heart. If you can't think of anything good to say, you may want to think over the choice to stay with your partner.

   • Communicate openly and be kind in your interactions.^[6]
   • Instead of attacking your partner or putting him or her on the defensive, say something that shows you appreciate your partner or give a compliment first. From there, you can steer the conversation into things that each of you can change.
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   Express your feelings. Keep in mind that if you are feeling something, your feelings are valid. Even if your feelings are misinformed or from a misunderstanding, it’s okay to have feelings and express them. Do not allow this person to minimize your feelings.

   • To avoid blaming your partner, use “I” statements.^[7] For instance, instead of saying, “You ignore me all the time,” say, “I feel really hurt when you’re emotionally distant from me. It feels like you don’t want to be around me.”
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   Say what you need. Communicate what you need from your partner and from the relationship. It’s okay to have preferences and it’s okay to express them with your significant other.^[8] If you hold back your needs for fear of starting an argument, ask yourself if this is helping you. Are you able to let it go, or is it building resentment as you continually shy away from discussing it?

   • If your significant other’s lateness really bothers you and it makes you feel disrespected, bring this up with him. Instead of blaming him, put the emphasis on how it makes you feel. Say, “It really bothers me when you’re late all the time. It makes me feel like you don’t value my time. I would like it if you put more effort into being on time, please.”
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   Ask your partner to hear you out. If you want to say everything and not be interrupted, say this to your significant other. It’s easy for other people to interrupt you or want to defend the words or actions, but ask if you can finish. If you sense that your partner is not receptive, you may want to have the conversation at a later time.

   • Say, “I want to hear what you say, but right now I would like to talk and have you listen. Then we can switch roles.”

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   Set boundaries. Boundaries allow you to interact respectfully and maintain appropriate limits. Boundaries also help in not making assumptions.^[9] If you assume your partner shares your feelings and thoughts, you can end up in a lot of trouble and misunderstanding. You can set a boundary for your significant other not to use profane or derogatory language directed toward you, or to not talk bad about your family.

   • Setting time boundaries can also be helpful. For instance, you may start a serious discussion then realize you need to leave to pick up your sister. Say, “I want to hear what you have to say, and I can give you all of my attention in 5 minutes.” Or say, ”If you put and rinse all of the dishes in the sink by 8pm, I’m happy to wash them.”
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   Agree to make changes. Relationships work best when both people agree to make changes and cooperate.^[10] Together, decide what changes need to occur, then find ways to make them happen. Don’t expect that things will change without any effort; come up with a plan that will help you and your partner stick to the changes.

   • Take up the mindset that relationships can benefit personal expansion, and that making compromises and changes that benefit each person helps you grow and meet the needs of both yourself and your partner.^[11]
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   Let go of resentment. If you’re holding onto something your significant other did, let it go.^[12] It’s ultimately your choice to let it go or leave the relationship; it’s not fair to you to feel bad about what happened, and it’s not fair to him or her to have that hanging over the head until you work it through. If you feel like you deserve special treatment because of a mess up your significant other did, it’s really up to you to let it go or not.

   • Yes, it feels awful if your significant other cheats on you or hurts you in another way. But think about how you’re treating him now after the event. Are you treating him in a loving and respectful way? If you cannot treat him respectfully now, you may want to consider if the relationship is worth it.
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   Define reasonable expectations for the relationship. Once you’ve stated your concerns and your thoughts and feelings, you may come to find that you and your significant other see things differently. Your ideas of treating someone well in a relationship may be different than your partner's, and you will have to find a compromise. Have a conversation about your expectations, and how you can meet and compromise on these important factors.

   • If you’re both invested in the relationship, then it’s imperative that you find compromise and cooperation on these sensitive topics.^[13] For instance, if you disagree on how much time you spend with in-laws, agree that you will go to family functions every other time, while your partner can choose to go to every one.
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   Decide if this is the relationship for you. If you chronically feel let down, disrespected, or treated unfairly, reconsider whether this is a good relationship for you. Think about why you hold on, despite feeling like things are unbalanced. Be honest with yourself and spend some time thinking about what is best for you.

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   • Remember that you can’t change someone. If you find yourself waiting around for your significant other to change or you find yourself making excuses for him or her, this may be an indication that this isn’t the best option for you.

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