Advice | Urban Etiquette: Is it rude to bring uninvited guests? (2024)

Dear Ellen,

I recently invited some friends for dinner and one of them showed up with two other people. I had a planned to serve each person a salmon steak, so I had to cut the steaks into pieces and serve each person less. It’s not like anyone went hungry, but it ruined the presentation and I resented having to do it. Isn’t it rude to bring uninvited guests? Should I have said something?

Surprised Host

Dear Surprised Host,

Yes, it was a rude move on your friend’s part. Bringing along uninvited guests to someone else’s home can sometimes be a nice thing to do — if it’s a casual house party, and you all contribute to the food and drink. But if you’re invited to a formal dinner party, which someone has carefully planned, shopped and cooked for, and maybe even made up little place cards for, it’s extremely inconsiderate to bring along extra people unannounced.

The only exception to this rule is if your surprise guests are Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Even then, you should call ahead to alert the host there will be two extra mouths to feed. This way, they’ll have a fighting chance to stretch out the food and present it properly. I mean, do you really want Beyoncé and Jay-Z eating mashed-up salmon steaks served by a shocked and resentful host?

As for you, the surprised host, it sounds as if you did the right thing, which was to take the situation in stride and generously make sure everyone got an equal portion. I trust you welcomed the extra guests with a wide smile and open arms since, of course, it’s not their fault they were sprung on you at the last minute.

If you’re still bothered by the whole episode and want to address it with your friend, the etiquette is to call them up, tell them you were thrown off by the sudden increase in numbers and ask they check with you beforehand the next time they want to bring along extras.

Personally, I’ve always been too cowardly to say anything about uninvited guests, preferring in the past to simply fume after the fact in silent, toxic resentment. Now, in our hate-filled Trumpian times, I can’t believe I ever wasted one second being negative about sharing food and wine and my comfortable, privileged life with anyone who shows up at my door.

You may be right about your friend being rude, but it will be better for your soul, and the world, if you see the imposition of extra guests as an opportunity to spread the love, along with the salmon.