Disrespectful communication is extremely prevalent. I’m going to guess that most everyone has had an experience at some point in their career, where they’ve been spoken to disrespectfully…?
The way in which disrespectful communication presents itself can sometimes be extremely blatant – rude, aggressive, sometimes even abusive behaviour.
Other times, it can be more subtle. For example, cutting people off as they speak, dismissing ideas without listening to them, facial expressions that express contempt and even eye rolling. Disrespect is communicated in all of these subtle, nonverbal ways (and more). It doesn’t take words and it can be just as damaging.
Sometimes, this disrespectful communication comes from someone superior to you. Other times, it might be from a colleague. I’ve even seen it frequently by team members towards their manager.
We’re all human. And as humans, we sometimes get stressed. Unfortunately, we sometimes take that stress out on the people around us. This can lead to disrespectful communication even when we aren’t intending to be rude.
Occasional occurrences of disrespectful communication are not necessarily a huge problem. We can apologize, mend bridges and move forward.
However, where this becomes a real problem is when a pattern of continued and repeated instances of disrespectful communication develops.
It becomes particularly problematic when the person who is being disrespectful isn’t even aware of how rude they’re being. Or even worse, if they have an awareness of it and simply feel entitled to speak to others in this way.
The good news is that there are things you can do to shift these patterns. There are effective ways to hold others accountable so that they may well think twice before acting similarly in future.
The best way to change these patterns?
- Put words to what you’re observing and experiencing.
- Speak in a manner that is non-confrontational, but is clear and assertive.
- Make it clear that you don’t like the way you’re being spoken to.
- Speak from your own perspective, using “I” statements (remember that blaming the other person will inevitably make them defensive).
- No matter what the other person says, do your best to stay calm.
For instance, if you’ve noticed someone rolling their eyes at you, saying something as simple as “I’m getting the sense that you may be irritated by something I’ve said” can call out the behaviour and bring it to their attention. Or you could ask them a question, such as “You seem to not like what we’re talking about here, could you explain to me what it is that’s bothering you?”.
Addressing disrespectful communication head on not only brings these types of inappropriate behaviours to the attention of the person doing them, it also puts them on the spot to take ownership of these behaviours.
When we don’t put words to inappropriate behaviours, they continue and get much worse.
What holds us back?
We often avoid holding people accountable for their disrespectful communication because we’re afraid of how they may react. You might be afraid of the repercussions on you professionally, or how you may be perceived within your team or by leadership.
However, what often happens when someone doesn’t speak up is that the disrespectful communication worsens over time. When someone notices that disrespectful communication will be tolerated, it leaves them space to ramp up this behaviour towards increasingly aggressive forms of communication.
The best time to speak up and set limits around disrespectful communication is as soon as you notice it occurring.
If you’re wanting to shift these patterns but feel nervous, think about how you will speak up next time. Practice one sentence that you could use to address the behaviour until it feels natural. Role play with someone you trust.
Getting to the point where you feel comfortable saying something (or maybe still feel uncomfortable, but will do it anyway) will send a clear message to the person being disrespectful that you’re aware of the disrespect and that you don’t like it.
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